Stretched Thin

I need to confront something.

You may have noticed I didn’t blog yesterday or, maybe you didn’t. In that case, it’s perfectly okay. I need to be honest and say that trying to blog and meditate almost every day is extremely difficult. In fact for me, an interest where I attempt to commit time daily to said activity often ends quicker than it started.

I’m a type of person who has too many projects always going at once, jumping from project to project and never completing anything (or at least it feels that way). For example, I have a quilt that I’ve been working on since last Christmas, I’ve been teaching myself to play guitar since high school, I’m trying to blog regularly, meditate regularly, read books, and watch Game of Thrones and Anime. I have so many interests (as many people do) that I feel no closer to completing anything that I’ve started. I pick up the guitar a couple days one week, and then don’t touch it for a month. I quilt a few more squares, a couple weeks go by and I feel bad about not working hard enough on it. I’ve tried to find interests that stick with more permanence, but I’ve discovered that I just don’t function that way. Nonetheless, I enjoy my many hobbies, but I’m learning that I am not the type of person who has one hobby and exercises that hobby every single day. With this discovery, I’m choosing to be 1) not blog everyday, 2) create a kinder internal voice and, 3) accept that this is how I work.
I have been forcing myself into a routine, where I blog 5 days a week, and meditate every day for at least 10 minutes. But as I mentioned before, when I attempt to commit time daily to one activity, it often ends quicker than it started.

So here I am blogging with full honesty that sometimes, there isn’t enough time in the day to blog. I sound like I’m just whining about not being dedicated enough to this one thing I enjoy, but it’s true.—THAT RIGHT THERE IS THE NEGATIVE INTERNAL VOICE THAT I”M TRYING TO CHANGE, I need to be kinder to myself. I need to stop telling myself I’m behaving badly or childish, and accept that I have the freedom to feel the way that I do—
I do find time to meditate everyday, which is nice. I can meditate in the car on my drive from work to the grocery store. Or I can meditate while doing the dishes, or brushing my teeth. On weekends, or evenings where I can just eat leftovers and I choose not to go to the gym, I find time to sit in my sacred space, burn incense and meditate. But honestly, it’s been difficult recently to blog every single day.

What I’m trying to really get at here, is that this experience has helped me be honest with myself thanks to meditation. I’ve been meditating on my thought processes, and how I function as a human being because understanding myself is the first step to understanding how I can help others, or change the things that surround me. I need to have more of a grasp on who I am and how I work, first and foremost.

I’m not going to force myself to blog everyday, because that doesn’t make me happy. If I continue to force myself to blog, it will turn into a chore which will lead to poor content and a waste of both my time and yours. The purpose from the beginning of this blog was to meditate to reduce stress and increase happiness, but the format of this project has actually made my days more stressful and that’s not what I want! Thank goodness I’ve realized this because now I will be able to actually share content that is fun to read, and full of more insight (we can only hope!).

So, with all of that, I hope that you continue to find something inspiring, interesting, or fun from my blog every week, but perhaps not something new daily, because I need to try something a little different. Cheers to learning about yourself!!!

With love,
-Evelyn

5 minutes of Meditation: A Lifetime of Mindfulness

My work is pretty awesome. Our CEO, along with other leaders of the organization, understand that employee satisfaction drives success within a business. They have worked together with scientists and wellness coaches to create a phone app specifically for our employee base to set personal health and wellness goals. The purpose of this app is to improve happiness in employees’ daily lives and workplace. I decided to give it a shot.

This app provides multiple wellness tracks to choose from and there was one based on meditation, so I thought it was perfect!

After using this app for a week I’ve completed more than 7 guided meditations, ranging from 5 to 10 minutes each, which have helped improve my mindfulness.
Below are my thoughts from the meditations for today.

1. The first meditation was called Counting The Breath. I have been doing a few simple breathing meditations on my own, but this meditation helped me catch my mind wandering. The meditation told me to focus on my breath by thinking, “IN” when breathing in, and then to assign a number to each exhale. I was to do this until I reached the number 10 and then begin again at 1. When I caught myself becoming distracted, I was told to be proud for catching myself and to simply start again at 1. During this meditation I began to force my breathing into a predictable rhythm, but the voice on the recording told me to let my breath do it’s own thing, and just, breathe. So I did.

2. The second meditation was about being kind to yourself. When I started to meditate a few weeks ago, I was constantly harsh on myself for being so distracted all the time. Sometimes still, I catch myself falling out of focus more than I would like and it’s frustrating. My internal voice speaks sharply, saying I need to stop f***ing falling out of focus and just meditate, goddammit! But really, I need to be kind. Kindness get’s you so much further in life.
I mean after all, it’s not like if I meditate “wrong” anything bad will happen. Plus, it’s supposed to take time to become a great meditator, therefore patience is warranted.
The great thing about this specific meditation is, there’s something to take away and reflect upon throughout my days to come-How does my internal voice sound when I’m at home versus at work? Am I hard on myself when I make mistakes at work and is that effecting my ability to be productive? Do I deserve the sharp words? Probably not. I’m going to be more mindful of my internal voice at work. If I adjust that voice to be softer and kinder, I bet I will become more productive and optimistic.

3. This final meditation for the day was about balance. Meditation is about finding a balance between relaxing and focusing energy. Like tuning a guitar by ear, it takes time to understand how to “listen” to your body and mind. How to not be above the pitch or below the pitch but to sail right on top of the perfect note. To ride that balance between focused energy, and relaxation. This meditation taught me how to physically notice when I am off-balance.
I had been avoiding sitting cross-legged because it was hurting my back. It didn’t make sense because sitting cross-legged never hurt my back unless I was meditating. This should have been a red flag right away, but what was happening was I was working too hard and straining my back more than straightening it. Once I realized I was exerting too much energy into my posture, I relaxed more, found a comfortable seated position and still sat up straight.
Other times, I have almost fallen asleep while meditating, which means that I wasn’t focusing enough energy into my meditation. From now on, When this happens I need to take a few deep breaths to draw my attention back to my breath, feel a change of pace, and perhaps open my eyes to become more awake. I need to allow a bit more energy to flow through me.

I will more mindful of my mind wandering, my internal voice, and finding that right balance between focus and relaxation while meditating.

Day 2: It’s Personal

I didn’t understand the idea of Meditation being personal until my meditation today. I’ve thought of meditation as the act of focusing yourself. An act involving setting goals to meet, and  improving yourself just like going to the gym, or reading non-fiction books, or trying your best to not eat ALL the chocolate cake….so that there is still some left over for breakfast tomorrow. Today at work I mentioned to a coworker that I was starting to meditate everyday, and he replied that he tried to meditate a few times but it’s so personal. And when he struggled, it was difficult to find assistance with his private goals. I had his story stuck in my head for the rest of my workday because I just didn’t get it. Not until my meditation.

Today I listened to almost all of Deepak Chopra and Adam Plack’s “The Secret of Healing: Meditations For Transformation And Higher Consciousness” which was available to stream with Amazon Prime. During this 30-minute session I listened to many metaphorical concepts that resonated on a very personal level. It explained the transcendence to enlightenment, no longer fearing death, and understanding that being busy means nothing if you aren’t fully aware of the single, omnipotent consciousness around you.There was a lot more to it and the CD was beautiful to listen to. Very calming. I will definitely listen to this one many many more times so I can ponder these ideas more. I sat for a while just listening, focusing on my heartbeat while burning leaves of dried sage. Later I felt it would be best to lay down on my yoga mat and let a stick of incense burn so I could watch the smoke rise up to the ceiling in peaceful, swirling waves.

Pairing music with meditation is much easier than meditating with no sound at all. It gives something simple to focus on while clearing everything else from the mind. I will probably work with music in the background from now on because it gives me a sense of moving from the normal space at home to a spiritual, more….almost tribal space? It’s hard to explain.

The most personal bit of the MP3 was the explaining of healing. Healing means you are becoming whole again, or becoming Holy, which is becoming your whole self free from negative or limiting energies, beliefs, or conditioning. That right there is where it gets personal. You are making yourself holy when you meditate. You are healing your soul. You are healing your mind so that it may maintain your consciousness.

I didn’t realize how deep this was all going to get, but it pleases me to my core.